For recruiters and leaders: understanding the person behind the experience, not just the label they carry.
My commanding officer once wrote in a performance review that I was not really a soldier, but an adventurer. At the time, I took it as criticism.
I had not simply coped in the military, I had excelled. Physically, mentally and intellectually, I had proven myself capable of performing at a high level. I could operate under pressure in combat environments, make sound decisions with incomplete information, and set the standard for others when conditions were at their worst. I was well placed for the next stage of a military career.
So why would someone who knew me well say something that sounded like a dismissal of the thing I had worked hardest to earn? For a long time I thought he was questioning my commitment. Looking back, I think he recognised something before I did. I was not building a career around being a soldier. I was using the military to discover who I was.
Those are very different things.
I joined at an age when I was trying to understand myself. Like most young people, I had spent years moving through systems that told me who I should be. Parents, teachers, society, all handing you labels long before you have had a chance to decide whether they fit. The military offered me something different. Not freedom. Challenge.
I have always performed best when things become difficult. I do not seek difficulty for its own sake, but I have learned that challenge reveals something. When the world becomes uncertain, I become clearer. When the pressure rises, the distractions fall away, and the person I am trying to be moves closer to the person I actually am.
So the military was the obvious test. Give me the hardest thing you have, and I will throw everything I have at it to succeed. At that age I did not understand what I was really doing. I was not looking for a career. I was looking for a measure of myself. The challenge was never the destination. It was the environment where I would find parts of myself I could not see anywhere else.
The strange thing is that the parts I expected to define me were not the parts that stayed. I assumed it would be the training, the physical demands, the responsibility, the moments where you are pushed past what you believed you could carry. All of that mattered, and yes it shaped and it tested me. But it is not what stayed with me. What shaped me most was the people.
I saw more combat than most people do. Different roles, different environments, situations many will thankfully never experience. And still, when I look back, it is not the combat I return to. It is the relationships.
There is something about working in an environment where the consequences of a decision arrive immediately. Where success and failure are not abstract. Where people depend on each other, not because a policy says so, but because it matters. Trust becomes tangible. Leadership becomes something you experience rather than something you describe. Character becomes visible.
You learn quickly that people are not defined by what they say about themselves. They are defined by what they do when circumstances turn. The military manufactures those circumstances. It puts people in situations where physical, mental and emotional limits are tested at the same moment, body and mind and spirit all engaged at once. The point is not hardship for its own sake. The point is to create the conditions where a person finds out what they are capable of.
The military did not create me. It revealed me. It showed me things that were already there, before I had the words for them. Perhaps that is why conversations about military service are so often strange. For people who have never been near it, the military is difficult to read. They see the visible things: the uniform, the rank, the medals, the book, the films, the stories. And naturally they try to make sense of them. We all do this, we use what we can see to understand what we cannot.
The trouble is that the visible part is rarely the whole story. Military service is not one experience. It is thousands of different experiences gathered under a single organisation. A person who spent a career leading soldiers in contact has lived a very different life from someone who spent it maintaining aircraft, analysing intelligence, running logistics, providing medical support or managing administration. Same uniform, same commitment, completely different environments, responsibilities and lessons.
The uniform creates a category. The individual experience creates the person. This matters because we all reach for shortcuts. We sort people into groups because it helps us handle a complicated world. Soldier. Veteran. Officer. Engineer. Doctor. Executive. The label gives us somewhere to start. But when we mistake the label for the person, we stop being curious, and curiosity is where understanding begins.
When the uniform becomes a measure of manhood
To understand why military service can grip an identity so tightly, it helps to understand the world some people experienced it in. I grew up in South Africa in the 1980s, in a society where service was universal among all men. Veterans were everywhere. Your teachers, your doctor, your minister, your uncles, your grandfather. Everyone you looked up to had served, and many had seen combat. Service was not something separate from society. It was the society.
That carried into ordinary life in ways people rarely said out loud. A teacher who had held a higher rank than the headmaster might command a different kind of respect. Rank and service and experience meant something well beyond the organisation that issued them.
For a young man in that environment, the message was not subtle. The military was not a job. It was the very thing that set one apart from others. Combat was the ultimate test, the place where courage and character were measured against something real.
I can see now how powerful that idea was, and how basic. The desire to prove yourself is not a military invention. It is deeply human. Young men in particular go looking for something hard enough to tell them who they are. The military offered exactly that. A mountain to climb, a standard to meet, a place to find out what you could do. But the test does not define the person. It only reveals something about them.
Over the years I have noticed what happens when people learn about my background. The conversation shifts. Sometimes it is curiosity, sometimes admiration, sometimes discomfort. The questions are almost always well meant. People are trying to reach an experience that sits outside their own.
One question has followed a lot of veterans.
“So, how many people have you killed?”
It is an uncomfortable question, but it often reveals more about the person asking than the person being asked. In my experience, it usually comes from one of two places. Some ask with a kind of excitement, wondering whether they themselves would be capable of violence in combat. Others ask from fear, trying to work out whether they should be afraid of you.
Both are understandable responses, but neither begins with an understanding of combat or of the person standing in front of them. The question is shaped by the asker’s own assumptions, fears and curiosity. It reduces a human being to a single imagined moment—and misses everything that came before and after it.
The same thing happens across an interview table. A veteran and a recruiter can share a language and still miss each other entirely.
The veteran tends to describe experience through responsibility: the people they led, the decisions they made, the uncertainty they worked inside, the problems they solved. The interviewer tends to listen for familiarity, for something that maps onto their own organisation. And military experience is usually described in a language that does not exist in civilian workplaces.
A veteran may talk about the size of the team they were accountable for, the complexity of the environment, the decisions they made without enough information, and what it would have cost to get those decisions wrong. To someone who knows that world, those details communicate judgement and leadership immediately. To someone who does not, they sound like unfamiliar terminology. The value is there. The translation is missing.
So interviews with veterans often become conversations about the wrong thing. The interviewer works on the experience. The veteran is trying to describe the person who came out of it. Those are not the same.
A rank does not tell you how someone leads. A deployment does not tell you how someone handles pressure. A combat role does not tell you how someone works with other people. Those things give you context. They do not give you conclusions.
I have found that the most revealing questions are never about what someone achieved. A person can tell you they led a team; the better question is what they learned about leading people. A person can tell you they worked in difficult conditions; the better question is how those conditions changed the way they decide. A person can tell you they faced adversity; the better question is what they found out about themselves when it arrived. The experience matters. The meaning behind it matters more.
None of this is unique to veterans. Everyone arrives carrying a history that shaped them. The teacher, the doctor, the entrepreneur, the athlete, the parent. Our mistake is assuming that the most interesting thing about a person is the thing that is easiest to identify. It rarely is.
With veterans this cuts both ways, which is worth saying plainly. Some interviewers see only the good: discipline, leadership, resilience, a willingness to carry responsibility. Others focus on the unknown, wondering whether someone has been changed by what they saw, whether they will fit a different culture. Both reactions come from trying to understand. Both become limitations the moment they replace curiosity.
Because the danger of a stereotype is not that it is negative. Assume every veteran is a natural leader and you will miss the individual just as completely as if you had assumed the worst.
The best interviewers I have met were not the ones who understood the military. They were the ones comfortable admitting they did not, and willing to say: help me understand what that meant. Behind every unfamiliar term is a human experience. A decision. A responsibility. A moment where someone had to adapt. That is where the value sits.
People often describe veterans as direct. Abrupt. Too honest. Occasionally difficult. I think that reading misses something.
In most military environments, clarity is not rudeness. It is respect. When misunderstanding carries a real cost, communication becomes deliberate. You learn to say what you mean, to strip out ambiguity, and to accept that dodging a hard conversation almost never makes the problem smaller. Honesty has value because it lets other people decide well. It is not bluntness for its own sake. It is valuing someone enough to give them what they actually need.
That travels badly. Many civilian organisations run with more layers: diplomacy, consensus, the careful management of relationships. Those things have real worth. But they change what people expect from the way a message is delivered. A veteran may believe they are showing respect by being clear. The person receiving it may hear something else entirely. Neither is wrong. They are working from different assumptions.
The same behaviour reads differently depending on the room. Confidence can look like arrogance. Directness can look like aggression. Certainty can look like inflexibility. Often what you are seeing is simply a person applying lessons that worked somewhere else.
So the useful question is not why does this person communicate like this. It is: what experience taught them that this was the right way to communicate? Behind most behaviour there is a reason, and finding it is where leadership starts.
The mask we all wear
In 2003 I started journaling. The first words I wrote were: Who am I?
That question has followed me through every stage of my life since, and the more I have experienced, the more I have come to think identity is not something fixed. It is something we keep building.
We all wear masks. Not out of dishonesty, but because we are social. We present different parts of ourselves depending on where we are standing. At work, the professional version. In relationships, something else. Inside a team, we adapt to the people around us.
The military is no different. A soldier wears a uniform, but the uniform is not the person. It is a role, a responsibility, a way of operating in a particular environment. The danger comes when we confuse the role with the individual, and assume the person we can see is the whole person.
I struggled with that distinction myself for years. The military was the apex of my life. The intensity, the responsibility, the relationships, the certainty that decisions mattered. Experiences like that leave a mark, and for a long time I kept defining myself through that chapter. It was a significant chapter. It was formative. It was still a chapter, not the book.
The irony is that even inside the military I was wearing a mask. To operate there you have to believe in yourself. You have to trust your ability, stand in uncertainty and decide anyway, and project confidence while knowing exactly how difficult the thing in front of you is. That ability is necessary. It is also a role. The person others saw in those moments was the person the moment required.
Which is worth holding onto if you ever interview someone who has served. You are not meeting the soldier. You are meeting someone who once played that role, learned from it, was shaped by it, and has kept growing since.
Leaving is where this becomes obvious. We describe it as a career transition, a change of employer. For many people it is a change of identity. In the military there is almost no separation between the person and the profession. The person leading the patrol is the same person sharing the trench, eating, sleeping, suffering and celebrating with the same people. The relationships do not stop at the end of the working day. The responsibility does not either.
That is what makes leaving difficult. You are not simply leaving an organisation; you are leaving an environment in which nearly every part of you was engaged.
I have done that more than once. When I left South Africa, I did not just leave a job. I left a country, and a version of myself that country had shaped. The military brought a different culture, a different organisation, and a different understanding of service. Later came other chapters. Each identity was real, but none of them was the whole picture.
Circumstances changed, and the labels changed with them. I no longer live on a farm or spend my weekends kayak fishing on the open ocean. But the person beneath those roles has remained.
We look for simple explanations of people: a label, a category, something that lets us decide quickly who they are. But people are not static, we are always growing. The veteran sitting across the table is not the person who first put on the uniform, nor the person who took it off.
When I made the image that goes with this piece, I was trying to catch something I think is widely misread. It shows me pulling away a corporate face to reveal camouflage underneath. At first glance it suggests the soldier is the real person and the corporate identity is the mask.
The longer I look at it, the more I think the opposite is true. Neither one is the whole person. The corporate face is a role. The camouflage is a role. Both are environments, responsibilities, versions of a self. The person exists beneath them both.
The military shaped me. It challenged me. It revealed parts of myself I might never have found anywhere else. It does not define me. And the same is true of everyone who has ever sat across an interview table with a history behind them.
I am still asking the question I wrote in that journal. Who am I? I no longer treat it as something needing a final answer. It is not a problem to solve. Every challenge, every relationship, every difficult moment adds another layer.
For me the military gave some of the clearest lenses I have. After moments where life and death were not abstract, priorities rearrange themselves. After being responsible for other people, relationships mean something different. After watching people perform under extreme pressure, your understanding of courage and character changes shape. Those lessons stayed with me, but not because they are military lessons. They stayed because they are human ones.
So to anyone interviewing someone who has served: do not hire the uniform, and do not reject it. Do not be distracted by the story they can tell you. Be curious about the person who lived it. Ask about the decisions. Ask what they learned. Ask who they became.
Before you ask them anything at all, ask yourself one question.
Am I interviewing their experience, or am I trying to understand the person who lived it?
Because somewhere beneath every uniform, every title and every achievement is a person still working on the same question I wrote down in 2003. And perhaps the most useful thing we can do for each other is stop assuming we already know the answer.